The Voice of Self-Love

If we spoke to our friends the way we thought-speak to ourselves, we would have very few friends. The things that we say to ourselves in our minds are often the harshest words. There is criticism, judgement, frustration, taunts, shame and more. And these thoughts NEVER make us feel better or improve the situation that we are in. Yet, we find it so challenging to shut down these thoughts. We find we expect them. We find we even agree with them. And for some of us, we are so bold, that we even say them out loud about ourselves, seeking affirmation from the world around us!

Many of us have very vocal inner critics. They comment and critique all our efforts. They keep us small. They keep us surrounded by our mediocrity. They prevent us from living the amazing life that calls to us, keeping us in longing, doubt, fear and insecurity.

Unfortunately, self-love is challenging for many. Old wounds, old stories, old labels seem to cling to them. To shake off these negative energies takes a good amount of conscious thinking and commitment to stop the negative thinking. For some, they are not sure how, or they try and find it difficult and then give in to the old patterns and behaviors.

Over time I have discovered one way to help support this change in negative self-talk. It rarely fails. It requires some effort, but it is a feel good effort. It requires some commitment, but those who try it find that the commitment comes naturally. This one change can be the catalyst to transformation in your life. It can be the first step in lowering the volume on the inner critic and eventually shutting it out all together.

What is the secret? Most of us enjoy doing or giving to others. We find great pleasure in helping someone in need, sharing with someone, supporting those who need some assistance and giving of our heart. When we are doing this, our positive energies flow. We feel better about ourselves and the world around us. We are engaged with the essence of love and beauty of the world.

Giving of ourselves keeps us in the moment. It reminds us of all that we have to be grateful for. It opens our heart to the care and needs of others. To do this we naturally open the door that allows love to flow. Love does not discriminate. It is more than willing to flow through and surround us and anyone else we share it with. With time we begin to view life differently. With time our perspective begins to shift. Love has a way of doing this. We begin to see our faults and shortcomings through a lens of compassion and understanding. The same compassion and understanding that we are sharing with others.

Step one of shutting down the inner critic is to share acts of love and care with others. Follow your passion. Stay connected with the world and people around you. Share your gifts, your understanding and heart. Find ways to give. Choose a cause to support. As you open the door to love wider and wider you will find that there is also love flowing to you. Embrace it. Be with it and be aware that there is more than enough love to go around. Without much more effort than this, you will find that those nagging negative thoughts of shame and blame will become less and less. You will begin to hear a gentler and kinder voice calling to you, cheering you on and celebrating you. The voice of self-love.

Blessings, Lisa

Sabotage

Sabotage exists. There are those who are the victims and those who are the saboteurs. But what if we are both. We can be our very own saboteur. We may be practicing certain behaviors that are setting ourselves up for failure or keeping us small, locked in and shut down.

We all have great potential in life. Most of this potential involves change. But for many change is the very thing that makes them cringe, though they may be quite unhappy and dissatisfied with the life they are living and the relationships within in it. But the minute they explore the possibilities that are within change, they begin to find the need to run, to justify or blame.

It is natural for us to want to escape pain or fear. To experience a new way of being, to take a risk, to step into the unknown is very unsettling. For some, so much so, that they unconsciously will shield themselves from it. They will create scenarios that will prevent them from having to be in the change.

Part of our defense mechanisms that often trigger our saboteur to step into action are fear, anxiety, frustration, lack of motivation, anger or dismissive behavior. These feelings can often be the perfect trigger to pull us away from potential change, to keep us from exploring possibilities or to prevent us from facing what is the next step in our evolution. Part of us longs to remain in the safe zone, the familiar places and the expected outcomes. Even when we know that they will not satisfy us or bring us happiness.

Playing it safe can prevent us from moving onward into the life that is designed for us. It can keep us small. It can keep us silent. It can prevent us from taking a part in the wonders and miracles that await us. The unfamiliar is often filled with many gifts and lessons and we prevent ourselves from experiencing them and embracing them because it will mean taking an unfamiliar step, doing something new or acting differently than we usually do. We allow the fear and anxiety to block us in. We create our own prison.

Change is part of life, we can only escape it for so long. Nothing is permanent, so everything, including your fear or failure will be only temporary. The same with your success. That is why we are created to be continuously evolving, learning and growing.

The more and more we worry about tomorrow or create a story about what could happen, the more we sabotage our self. We need to instead build upon all possibilities, not just the ones we fear the most. And in doing so we begin to see the places in which we can take action and move forward.

We cannot force things to happen or not happen, there is a much bigger energy beyond us that plays into the outcome of our lives. But we can be present and open. We can stop expending our energies into making something not happen and instead put it into making things shift and become alive. It takes practice, it takes courage, and it takes patience and flexibility. But in the end you become your biggest contributor and supporter of the life intended for you instead of your saboteur.

Blessings, Lisa

The Art of Communication

Yes, there is an art to communication. Knowing how you communicate will have a huge impact on your relationships with others. Are you a listener, a talker, a critic or a supporter? Do you rely on body language and gestures? Is your focus on tone? Maybe you love words.

From the moment we are born we begin communicating. Parents in a very short amount of time learn to "read" their baby's messages without that child speaking. Body language, cries and other sounds indicate to the parent what that child needs. They tune in.

What if we took that skill and applied it to other relationships in our lives? Often we react to the words someone is speaking without noticing the expression on their face or the tone in their voice. There are so many layers to communicating. This is why, sometimes, the written word can fail us, especially in today's quick delivery of texting and instant messaging. Intent and emotion do not always come through, even when we use those silly smiley faces to soften our words. We all have had times when our message was misinterpreted or had it land harshly which was not our intent.

Knowing how we usually communicate with others and what our style is allows us the opportunity to hone our skills, to explore ways to broaden our communicating abilities and to seek what may not be working for us. Feeling misunderstood by someone in your life? Maybe you need to try a different approach to your communication skills with them.

Do you often hear from others that they feel unheard by you? Maybe it is time to practice new listening skills. Do you say something to someone and are often surprised by the way they react? Perhaps your delivery is off, maybe your body language or tone do not match your words? All opportunities to become better at the art of communication.

For the next few days, pay attention to the feedback you get from various conversations and relationships. Notice if there is a pattern or if there is one particular person that you seem to be misunderstood by. This is a great place to explore new ways of listening or speaking. Perhaps a different form of communication is needed.

Often when my children were in there teens we used notes to share our thoughts with each other. It kept the spoken drama and high emotions out of the equation, for the most part, so that we felt heard and could make our point. It was very empowering for my children and less stress provoking for us parents. Both sides felt heard.

When my children were much younger and their vocabulary was limited I would sometimes have them act out the way the were feeling when they were distressed. They were able to, in a very creative way, share with me their fears or their worries in a much deeper way through body language and facial expression.

When I was tending to my ailing parents and my father lost his ability to speak I would have him squeeze my hand to show me how bad his pain was. A soft squeeze meant not too bad a firmer grip indicated more.

These are all powerful ways of communicating and are very effective. Being willing to explore the art of communication will only benefit you and your relationships. It broadens and deepens the connection. We need to be invested in our communication with others, to be willing to be fully present, attentive to the message, willing to deepen the conversation and flexible in our delivery. Become a master at the art of communication.

Blessings, Lisa

Your Relationship with You

In life our most important relationship is with our Self. We spend a good amount of time trying to build our relationships with others, whether it be life partners, children, parents, peers, or even co-workers. But, how much time do we intentionally devote to our relationship with our Self? When was the last time you purposefully sought this time out?

You tell others that you love them. You tell others that they matter. You tell others that you understand their pain, their suffering, or their fears. You tell others that you appreciate them. You tell others that you want to get to know them better, to discover what makes them tick. You tell others to take care of themselves, to go gently, to rest up or to take a deep breath. You tell others to celebrate...that they deserve it. When was the last time you told your Self any of this?

When you begin to pay attention to your Self, you send a message to your soul that you matter. You send this message to others as well. You begin to pay attention to your needs and let go of expecting others to know what is best for you. You let go of the disappointment you feel when they are not aware that you are in need (as if they are mind readers). When you pay attention to your Self you begin to have compassion for your vulnerabilities and have awareness of your strengths. This opens doors for you to be present and fully conscious on your day to day process, instead of blindly moving through time, day after day, week after week, until you find you have lost sight of your vision and your passions.

Investing in your relationship with Self actually is the wisest action you can take. If you are ever at a loss in your life as to what you "should" do next, pause and ask your Self what it needs. Start there! Then the shift begins to happen.

For me when I feel stuck or unsure, if I take some time for Self care, sit with my Self and ask questions, listen closely to the answers without judging or rationalizing, my energy begins to flow again. Whatever was blocked has moved. Whatever was in need gets addressed. Whatever longed to be held gains the attention necessary and whatever asked to be released is gently let go. It never fails me!

As 2014 unfolds I plan to commit to my relationship with my Self. I am going to set up a date with my Self weekly, to tenderly love me, celebrate me, honor me, listen to me, encourage me, and support me. I know I am good at doing this with others; family, friends, clients, and peers. I look forward to my alone time together!

Blessings, Lisa